How Rouxed can you get?

When I first started cooking, I found out the reality of my profession, circa 1976.  The instructors at the Washburne Trade School, one of only 2 choices to attend in the country at the time, had a few issues.  The 1st phase teacher was young, sharp, and green.  The following 4 instructors were smart, well traveled, well schooled, but already behind the real world cooking curve that was incubating here in Chicago.   Had I implemented the thought process behind the methods shown to me then, I would have been fired from my regular jobs I held in that span.  I was trained on the job in the idea of French Nouvelle Cuisine(pure, natural, healthy cooking), in 1976 by some of the finest young chefs Chicago had going at the time.  Which, by the way were very few to begin with.  One of those lines in the sand was the use of a roux to thicken, anything really.  NONE of the chefs I worked for even allowed a roux to be made in the restaurants they ran.  This is a good thing.  Here is why:

A roux will break when enough heat is applied for a long enough period of time (like during service in a steam table).  A roux will break if not properly made.  Right there, two great reasons not to ever use a roux.  But lets continue.  The combination of flour and oil/butter is extremely hard for your body to digest.  Not a bad reason to lose a roux either.  Also, using a roux prevents you from tasting the ingredients of anything you thicken with a roux, clearly.  The combination of flour & oil paste clogs the pores of your tongue.  This is a natural impediment to tasting anything else in the same dish or sauce.  If you have any doubts on this issue, take a small, very, very small amount of roux and rub it on your tongue.  Then taste something.  Clean your pallet and do it again without rubbing a roux on your tongue.  End of example, end of argument.

Now there will be a few die hard slow learners screaming its essential to Creole cooking.  It is not.  Many moons ago before we were alive the settlers that established trading posts in the delta(Dutch, Spanish, French, English) had a choice to survive.  Either cook with swamp water, or salt water from the sea.  There were no other options, Ice Mountain did not deliver bottled water then.  Of course they chose swamp water.  They had just as much common sense as us(probably more).  But who wants to eat anything that tastes like swamp water?  So how do you mask this awful flavor embedded into the latest kill in the stew?  1st, how about picking some of these hot peppers that grow all over the place and dump them in?  Then maybe, thicken the cauldron with, A ROUX!  Why?  BECAUSE it helped kill the flavor of the swamp water!  How hard is this to figure out?

Far as I can tell, we now have bottled water and filtration plants that remove the need to use Swamp water to cook with!  "But its always done like this! Its tradition!"  There was a tradition of cavemen eating their freshly killed beast by pulling off the limbs and chewing on it raw in the cave they sat in.  Then, came a day when another caveman suggested that they toss the beast in this new thing called FIRE.  I'll bet any money the elder cavemen screamed that its always chewed raw like this, its tradition dammit!  That's about the time the clubs started swinging.

Then what to do?  How do I thicken my soup?  Try using the best method, puree.  Or reductions, emulsions, cornstarch, potato starch, tapioca flour, or the pricey and bitter after taste of arrow root.

Now, if you want to argue that you like the FLAVOR a roux adds to a recipe, that's a matter of personal taste, go for it.   If you want to argue that a roux is a necessary or relevant thickening method, refer to the caveman episode, and make sure you are on the receiving end of a club.  There have been entire 1 hour episodes wasted on the merits of using rouxes on the Food Channel and Bravo.  I do mean wasted.

In my entire career, I never once allowed a roux to be used for any reason in any kitchen I was in charge of, ever.  The last time I made a roux was in 1976 at the Washburne Trade School.  I had to in order to pass the 1st phase.  Otherwise, I would have not done it.  For the record, the end result was correct.  The result was, I ended making rouxes forever that day.

Some advice on screening your next employer (and trade school) in the food service industry.

Visit each school personally and get a tour and meet the instructors.  Each school will have assets and issues.  You should go to the one you feel like you will LEARN from.  The best advice I can give is go to the one that is the least offensive with the tall paper hat attitude:)  Are there government subsides available to the program you are interested in?  What are the class schedules?  What about Transportation and travel time?  Is there room for a full or part time job in you life to coincide with the culinary programs you are interested in?  Sometimes the testosterone can get deep in some school faculties. 
Caterers are a good way to get exposed to a variety of food but the cooking techniques can be suspect and the hours can be very inconsistent, especially with this economy.  A hotel could be a good choice, keep in mind many are union run and seniority rules, not job performance.  Sometimes a country club can be a good choice, especially if the hire is in the off season, after Labor Day.  Country Clubs are political beasts and can change dramatically from year to year when the board changes.  Free standing independent restaurants have no general rules.  They need to be taken on a case by case basis.  Food chains can be productive and a great deal of organizational skills can be learned, flexibility will not be one of them.  Consistency should be one of them. 

Here are some questions you need to ask (during an interview) before taking any job.  I have used these same questions
and the look of surprise on the face of the interviewer is always worth the effort.  if the interviewer gets defensive, run for the door!
If they appreciate your questions and become more personally/professionally involved with the time they are spending with you, HUGE BONUS!

1.  Is the establishment in good credit standing and are they current paying their bills in a timely fashion?
    How can you rely on a paycheck when the food bills are unpaid?  Is the facility well kept? 
2.  Who do they do business with?  Get names and call those companies and get business references
     on how they conduct themselves, making sure bills are current.  Also ask if they have many special requests to make
     up for deliveries that are short items they need but failed to order.  This is a great indicator of how
     organized the chef is.
3.  Ask what is more annoying, someone who is 5 minutes late regularly or someone who does not ask
     questions.  Not asking questions better be the answer.
4. Ask to SEE the first aid kit in the kitchen.  This will tell you if the chef takes care of the staff.  It should be clean, organized and well stocked.
5. Ask to SEE the chef's cookbook collection.  If the chef has many, this is an issue.  He will not be much of a
    teacher.  If they have one that they write for that business, HUGE PLUS. 
    If they are handed down through corporate chain of command, find the exit and use it.  Your learning curve will be limited.
6. Ask for a tour of the facility at some point before you make a decision.  Be aware of messy dish rooms, odors in coolers, iced up freezers.
    All bad indicators of how the kitchen is functioning.
7. Ask how long the dishwasher, line cook, sous chef have been there and if they were hired for the position
     or were promoted and did the chef do the promoting? 
8.  How long has the chef been there, the General Manager/ front of house manager and how long have they 
     been together?
9.  Ask about ALL monetary concerns to you. 
    Overtime - Is it part of the deal, if so how often is it available?
    Schedule flexibility - Do shifts and days off rotate?
    Meals - Are they included?  Do not Assume.
    Vacation - Ask for details.
    Health Benefits - Do they even exist?
    Uniforms - Does the company issue them or is it your problem? AND ask if towels are given out for
    cleaning up and how many are given?  This is an excellent indicator to financial stability as it is one of the
    very first things trimmed when the budget is bad.     
    When are the pay periods, when do they begin and end, and when does the actual pay day follow?
    Are there any deductions other than taxes that are taken from you wages?  If so, what and how much?
10. What type of system is in place for disciplinary actions?  How does it work?
11.  Ask the chef what ticks them off and gets them upset regarding individual behavior in their kitchen?
12. Ask the chef if they drink, smoke, drink coffee often.  This will give you a good idea how well balanced
      their PALATE is and in turn give you an idea if they know how things actually do need to taste.
      No to all of those queries is a good thing.  A used bottle of hot sauce or salt shaker on their desk is not good.
13. Ask the chef about their cooking background and what they did at the last few jobs they had, type of
      food, average cost of a menu item, size of staff, length of time there, who trained them and did they go 
      to a culinary program or internal business apprenticeship?
14. Ask the chef what techniques they use to thicken sauces and soups.  If they love roux's walk out the door
      you will learn antiquated cooking approaches and lag behind the real world as a general rule.
16.  Ask the chef if they make and create their own pastries or have a pastry operation within that they
      oversee.  This is a huge plus if they do.  Well trained sharp chefs create and have a command of pastries
      and baking methods.
17. Ask them if any foods come in pre-portioned or prepared, if so, what are some of them?
      Good answers: Appetizers, pastries, fish steaks & fillets, steaks, other cuts of meat and poultry.  In some banquet &
      catering situations this can be expanded into some sauces, dips, dressings, pre-cut vegetables & fruits.
      Bad answers:  Soups, pre-seasoned rice blends, potato dishes (au-gratin, double baked, etc), sauces
      (alfredo, pesto, marinara, chili) prepared entrees like stuffed fish & chicken, lasagna, meatballs to name
      a few offenders.
18. Ask the chef what kind of canned vegetables they have on hand.
      Good answers - tomato products, water chestnuts, re fried beans, garbanzo beans, kidney beans
       artichokes or hearts of palm, salsify, roasted peppers, truffles.
      Great answer - Nothing other than tomato products (which are actually a fruit but no one sees them as
       such)
       BAD ANSWERS- all potatoes, corn, peas, asparagus, green beans, carrots, bean sprouts, and like choices.
19.  Ask the chef what kind of music they listen to (and groups)and what they do for recreation to relax.
       This will tell you a lot about their personality and how compatible you are with them.
20   Ask the chef if you need to bring your own tools, and is there a changing area for you to get in and out of
       uniform.  Also ask where the staff eats their meals, and how long do they get for their meal?
21.  Never ask for a cigarette break.  Never ask about drinking at work or after a shift.      
       The company has no need to subsidize your bad habit.  This is a sure and fast way to be shown the door.
22.  Ask about when job reviews take place, and what is entailed so you can better prepare yourself.
23.  Ask who is in charge when the chef is not there, know the chain of command at least several links down
       the chain.
24  When going through he kitchen, check out how well organized and clean the cooks are at their stations,
      whether they are happy and laughing with each other or serious, crabby & sullen. 
      They will reflect the way the chef runs the kitchen like a mirror.  Also watch to see how the servers and
      kitchen staff interact.  Look for cooperation, genuine smiles, snide low voiced remarks, terse body
      movements indicating repressed anger at the other staff (like shoving, dropping, moving items in a
      tense unneeded manner, glaring, stiff unnatural postures, lack of eye contact, abrupt sentences or
      exaggerating explanations are all indicators of underlying tensions that are the managers responsibility to
      keep defused.
25. Ask to spend a day on YOUR time in the kitchen before you make any agreement to work for ANYBODY.
      This may not be policy for hotels and some chains, but most all other venues should be approachable on
      the idea.  Now you can see what is going on "behind the scenes" so to speak and feel out a comfort
      level with the company you are approaching.
26.  If you are going to a trade school to enhance your career, ask what the company can do to make the
      work load between the two manageable for you and them.  In particular, a flexible schedule if possible.
27.  Is there a radio in the kitchen?  If so: is it blaring, broadcasting in a foreign language, music that irritates
      you, politics that are not agreeable to you, is it changed between stations, do they listen to sports, news,
      is it kept in an area where only one person hears it, like the chef?  Make sure you have a comfort level
      with any of this as it will not change for you.
28  Ask a few questions about some menu items you may be familiar with.  Ask if they have prepared or
      presented them in other ways before.  If you hear the words "This is how we always do it" or "This is how
      its always been done", take pause.  This can be an indicator regarding flexibility in general.  Flexibility and
      adaptability is key in the food industry.  Many a failed business do not know the meaning of flexibility and
      many of them are headed there.
29.  Make sure your responsibilities are clearly defined.  The best kitchens are the ones run where the words
       "Its not my job" are outlawed.  This fosters a very real team effort and is almost always a very healthy
       work place.
30.  Look for the seasoning rack-shelve.  It should not be near a heat source like ovens or burners.  There
       should be few if any blended seasonings of any type.  The containers should be free of food smears
       (an indicator the staff has poor sanitation habits) and the larger the variety of spices the more likely the
       chef actually knows how to use them.  This is a very good thing.
31.  Do not be afraid to ask prospective employers if THEY have been arrested or fired in the past.  If so,
       Explain:)

And finally, if you are answering an ad, did it mention having a sense of humor?  If yes, put that location at the top of your to do list. 
That is a very healthy, welcome breath of fresh air.  I always listed a sense of humor as a must have quality in my ads. 
As time has passed I see it crop up more and more often.  Not enough, but its getting better.




DEVALUING THE CHEF

Somewhere along the way in the last few years, any knucklehead that can make his uncles favorite beer can chicken or rice a roni wienie beanie casserole is a chef.  Any dope wearing a tall paper hat can assume he is now a chef.  Any brainwashed newly graduated student is now the end all for cuisine as we know it.
As for TV chefs, lets get this straight.  ANY EDUCATED COOK can take a bag of groceries and make a few dishes out of the contents.  That does not make you a TOP CHEF or any CHEF.  If you can make a dinner for four for some family in a suburb or urban area on a daily basis, it does not make you a chef.  AND, using the word personal in front of CHEF will not justify your argument.  Its personal all right.  Its personal when I see so many individuals take as many short cuts as possible to attain a goal/or standing, that takes dedication and hard work to attain.  An achievement that takes many talented hard working dedicated professionals much sweat and sacrifice to become.  It is too often made out to be easy to do, which it is not.  Not if you are any good that is.

What I learned, and believe the word chef means is a reference to an individual who can, at least competently execute or have command of food costing, menu planning, first aid, kitchen design, creating menu concepts, creating specials, payroll control, teaching skills, food sanitation, contract negotiation knowledge, interviewing skills, equipment maintenance knowledge, staff scheduling, basic knowledge of ventilation, fire prevention, knowledge of wines, beer, alcohol, menu design, marketing, customer service, baking, pastries, sauces, garde manger, breakfast menus, lunch menus, dinner menus, meat cutting, fish filleting, utensil selection & purchase, inventory control, portion control, storeroom organization, kitchen organization, food production, food storage, nutrition, account management, supports the community, has catering organizational skills, has knowledge and command of multiple cuisines, command of all basic cooking methods and techniques, has command of seasoning and spice combination's and applications, computer literacy, an eye for detail, an open ear, a kind heart, a sense of humor, loyalty to his staff, always looks out for the welfare of his employees, business and customers, does not play politics and never chooses sides before he hears both sides of the story. 
In my book, if you can do the above list anywhere from good to better than average, the word chef probably applies to you.  If you can handle multiple cuisines, and themes like fine dining, casual, fast food, ethnic, banquet, catering, restaurant, hotel, country club, bistro, cafe, bakery, and even cafeteria we are getting somewhere.  If you've opened and or designed multiple food service operations, kudos.

The first chef I worked for was a major league dope as it turned out.  I was lucky in that I worked for a family owned restaurant where everything was made in house.  Even the meat was cut start to finish in the restaurant.  As time went on I became more of a personal clean up boy to this slob than the prep cook I was hired to be.  I quit.  I had no respect for the man, and gave no notice.  He told me I did not have the chops to make it in this business, and should find gainful work as something else.  I responded that I would not forget that line anytime soon.  Some years later I was overhauling a hotel kitchen in Chicago's southwestern suburbs as a consulting chef.  I had an ad in the local paper for a sous chef (2nd in charge) for the newly organized kitchen.  Lo and behold, guess who came to dinner.  or at least to fill out an application.  Yep, it was John, the first chef I worked for.  He never knew I was in the kitchen looking at his application as he waited in the dining room.  The manager had accepted the application initially and brought it to me.  I had two choices as I saw it.  Go out and meet him and let the situation alone crush him.  Or, send the manager back out to him informing him the position was filled earlier in the day and that we would keep his application on file.  I chose the latter of the two, because its still a great story:)







Another Family Oriented Holiday, Easter a.k.a. Who Laid This Egg?

I have been witness to an absolutely hilarious (ongoing) event across the street from my house.  If you have seen any Laurel & Hardy movies, Al Bundy, or 3 Stooges (Curly only-I'm a purist) shorts where they attempt to build something or fix something, then you have a clear understanding of what I am witnessing.  3 generations (all male) of Greek neighbors attempting to build an outdoor spit to roast a pig for Greek Easter.  It is sooo good I was actually eating my dinner standing at the counter in my kitchen watching through the window because I didn't want to miss anything.  My cheeks and ribs are literally sore from laughing.  I am sure I heard "How come da sproocket doesn't vit in de vidget? You can't do dis until you do dat!"
I can't offer to help (because I'll be sucked into the vortex of family insanity) and I'll give myself away quickly by not keeping that stupid grin (inherited) off my mug.  Besides, why ruin a good show?   I can't wait to see the ending!  (yes, if one of them catches fire or loses a toe I'll call 911, or at least offer the advice - Rub some dirt on that!) But I do think I heard one of them say "Quit whining, its only your ear".   That was right after a pair of shoes ended up glued to the stairs, or before the car they were unloading rolled into the street.  I admit I was woozy from oxygen deprivation from laughing so the order of events may be off.  The meter really goes off the charts when the women in the family pile out of the house once each hour and start clucking.  Yes, nothing says Easter more clearly than a a good hen pecking at the hands of your wife or in-law.  A real treat when it happens in multiple languages.
After three days there are 2 pipes connected, a partial hole dug, several holes filled and the shoes are still glued to the stairs.  The pile of parts gets larger with each trip to Home Depot.  The instruction sheets are really manhandled at this point.  You would swear that they were from the civil war with all the wear and tear they have suffered.  My bet is that by the time Greek Easter comes around next week carry out will be looking really good.  My favorite is when they turn the building directions 90 degrees to get a better look at what they don't understand.  This usually continues about as much as the spin on a roulette wheel until it gets taken away by another member of the committee.  I have seen more arms waving and hand gestures than an entire carrier crew landing jets during battle.  In a way, there is some pity I feel, as by the end of each day as night sets in, they have worn themselves out yelling at each other, cutting pipes too short, digging holes in the wrong place and bandaging the self inflicted minor wounds.  There was even an extra trip for gas, caused by the numerous trips for, ...parts? 
But, since the project has started, their collection of power tools has expanded dramatically.  I now know where to borrow an air compressor and bench saw.  Yes, the air compressor has me at a loss as well.  But I think they are in a rather optimistic spirit after all this.  I have yet to see the nail gun fired at anyone.  If God has a sense of humor, there will be a lightning storm right about the time they figure out how to connect the metal frame.
Really, a lightning strike is no big deal, a good salve will grow hair back. The burnt hair smell goes away after a day or two.

The last few years my neighbors had built plywood-plastic sheet "structures" that earned them multiple tickets from the village.  No, I didn't call the village.  The entertainment value is way too good for that.  They are friends.  If you can't relish in your friends self inflicted mayhem, who then?  Family? Nope, too easy as they are always around, especially on the Holidays.  Funny how family show up to ruin the festivities each year, like clockwork.  Some keep hanging around, like yellow toenails.  Not lethal, but annoying and something you need to see only once to figure out you don't want it anymore.  When Uncle Bob plays Ole Susanna with his armpit, the charm wears off after you hit the age of 6.

Day 4 dawns anew.  They seem to be sleeping in today.  Blood loss has a way of wearing down the stamina.
I have yet to see them using the compass as on day one, or that sextant on day two.  They still look strong.  This is good.  That means this adventure will continue for a few more days.  But I have noticed today they no longer said "Good Morning".  Instead it was lines like "Don't turn your back on me" and Why are you still here?" Grandpa offered this gem" Keep the power tools away from the kid, he's a bleeder".  Amidst the hammering and swearing this morning, I heard the grandfather answer his wife's question "Where should we hide the eggs?"  I can't print the response, but the youngest wasn't amused when he saw gramps pointing his way.  The eldest son I think should be more careful.  He did not question grandpa last time he went to Home Depot and came back with a bag of lime and a shovel. 
Today there was a layer of frost on everything from an overnight chill.  I guess the youngest didn't dry his hands(or his aim has not developed in the bathroom) when he left the house, he has been holding the same pipe for an hour.  He's been finding it difficult to open car doors, among other tasks.  I am pretty sure the body shop can cover the scratches.  And I am sure they can replace the mirror, what's the fuss?  I think one of them was thirsty late yesterday.  The hose was running all night.  The wood floated down the street, where someone ran over some of it.  The village issued some more tickets and announced there was funding for some new playground equipment.  The holes are filled again, and the two pipes that were actually straight are now looking like the flag staffs of a sunk warship.  I am tempted to play taps over my stereo system for them.  But in retrospect, I now feel its probably safer to go tiger slapping at the zoo.  The score board reads: the youngest is limping, and has salve all over his hands.  Grandpa is still pulling his depends out of his ass after the eldest gave him a weggie that would be envious in any locker room, the eldest son is missing several clumps of hair(one is still drifting in the wind, suspended from the tailgate of the suv) and their dog has not stopped barking since the project to build the pyramids began.  Oh yeah, Grandpa is still yet to remove the heel from his skull where grandma clocked him with her shoe.  I did not hear what he said before she connected but it must have been good.  Although the consolation prize was hearing what he said while spinning to the ground after impact.  I am pretty sure it was words to the effect "when I wake up I'll get you".
My wife made a mistake when walking our dog.  She asked the eldest son if he had a new tattoo, pointing to the back of his head.  Grandpa chirped in   "Yep, its fresh, he got it 10 minutes ago.  When I said duck he thought I was ordering lunch and stood up to answer.  A lotta good that college education does ya now!  Still seeing double smart guy?"  Then she asked about the shoes on the steps.  Not good.  All three started takes pills moments later.  If washing them down with Jack Daniels is an indicator, I think they are done today. 

DONE LIKE TOAST!

The mammoth undertaking culminated late in the evening under the glow of lanterns and fresh contusions. They are still limping, reek of Tiger Balm and are missing eyebrows, fingernails, a few teeth, and the shoes are still glued to the stairs.  I do think they will make nice planters. I must admit, I am both saddened and proud.  Proud because through the cold weather, long hours, verbal abuse, self inflicted wounds, and occasional cheap shot, the project is complete!    Sad, because its a TOOL SHED!  All that for a box?  Are you kidding me?  Didn't any of them own a Lego set when they were a kid?  Though the idea was tabled that there may be a duel purpose for the shed.  It may also be a holiday smoke house.  If so, I have started squares(like a football game) where bets can be placed.  I say the kid forgets to remove the gas can for the mower first time they fire it up.  And, the garden hose will be coiled and hanging inside.  Should I mention to one of them that they may need a vent?  Why spoil a surprise ending!  Probably by design with the intention of locking the victim inside once its fired up.  I fell for that trick when I was only 32.  I chewed my way out.  Live and learn I say.
And if you are wondering, the answer is yes, I did drugs during my formative years.  What's your family's excuse?

What’s that smart guy?  I have seen the result and returned to tell the tale!

I was asked to take a look at the finished product today, as there were several problems yet to be resolved.  So I got padded up and took a look.  Usually, my neighbors ask for my help right about the time the fire is out of control and there’s no water in the hose.  So why should this be different?  Well, first thing I noticed about the shed, there was a silhouette of a face embedded in the sheet of siding, and a piece of tooth.  The roof was dented in several places where impact with various skulls took place, all marked by tufts of hair and clots of blood torn out by unfinished metal seams.
The doorway is too close to the neighbors fence to open the doors, so who needs em?  Why bother?  Since its sheet metal and aluminum framed, its not the most sturdy item around.  It has been realized that it needs to be moved.  And the gutter for the house is in the way.  But they cannot put up a ladder to move the gutter because the shed is in the way.  They cannot move the shed because of the stakes in the ground-don’t ask.  Really, don’t ask.  No more sun or fresh air for part of the basement, the window is blocked.  That silly dish TV thing had to be turned.  Opps, shoulda called the network.  I think I saw an eyebrow left behind inside the shed by the door.  The snow blower can’t get past the fence to make it inside the shed, so that stays in the garage with the lawnmower, which is why the shed was built, to get them out of the garage.  And I don’t think anyone but the victim noticed that a finger nail had taken the place of a washer holding a screw in place.  And, the shoes are still glued to the stairs.  My bet is the first good lightning storm blows it up and melts the contents.

NOTHING IS OVER UNTIL WE DECIDE ITS OVER!

OK, I'll help.  I went across the street to supply some solutions, lend tools, apply first aid and take pictures!.  First was a ladder that could reach that annoying downspout.  Once removed the shed can now be moved.  I hand the tools to the middle aged craftsmen in the group.  He climbs 4 steps on the ladder, gets vertigo, and hits the deck stage right like aflounder out of water.  Now I find myself on the ladder(what a surprise) trying to fit the parts that they bought to move the downspout.  I could not get them to fit.  Finally I asked "Did you measure this?".  The response I got was "Measure What?.  Nice  Then i said " Do you realize you have asked a chef to show you how to re-route a gutter and downspout?  Do you know that you have violated every guy rule in the book.?  When I come down the ladder, I have to repossess your testicles and turn them in to the proper agency!  But, while I am on the ladder, the youngest has a cell phone glued to one ear while watching, the street with no moving cars or people.  Problem is he is holding the ladder I am on.  So, I extend my arm, holding a hammer in my hand, over his head and announce to him.  You have 5 seconds to hang up or I drop the hammer when I hit zero and immediately began counting.  It was amazing how fast that phone dissapeared.  In retrospect I should not have told them the best way to remove the shoes was to set fire to them.  The fire department wasn't happy when old man Bensonhurst called them screaming it was the terrorists come to get him.  Pity I failed to notice the stairs were sloped down.  Now there is three stairs with shoe puddles instead of one with glued shoes








Hi.  This is a general service public announcement.  For years in the food service industry, a quiet, humiliating malady has plagued our profession as chefs.  I am speaking of TPH Syndrome.  Also known as TALL PAPER HAT Syndrome.  Also known as Tall Paper Hat Attitude, it plagues thousands of wanna be chefs.  It affects the accomplished professional as well.  Its a misplaced belief that wearing a paper hat inspires respect.  STOP IT NOW!  ITS 2009!  My God what's wrong with you people wearing a paper hat?  Have you no clue how stupid this looks?  Have you no clue how the general public laughs at this silly practice?  Have you no clue that even McDonalds abandoned the practice of their staff wearing paper hats well over 15 years ago?  How confident would it make you to see our generals wearing paper hats?  How about seeing your surgeon wearing a paper clown hat before he opens you up?  Would that make your day?  Inspires your affirmation in the individuals skills does it?

A taller hat does not make you important.  Maybe IMPOTENT, but not important.  Its your actions, not that origami project gone wrong resting on your head.  If you live in the States, show some Americana pride.  Get a baseball cap.  Remember this-the Kepi was the first version of a baseball cap, worn by both sides during the Civil War.   In between battles both sides played a new sport sweeping the nation called BASEBALL in their camps while wearing their KEPI Hats.   Save the ignorant remarks for anyone other than the hallowed dead.  Nothing more American than that except maybe a Harley bandanna.  Tall paper hats are a long needed to be done with tradition from French kitchens of literally centuries ago.  The taller the hat, the higher the rank.  Gee, go figure a FRENCH MAN thought of this.  Does penis envy ring a bell?  Anyone, that has actually had the misfortune of wearing those stupid hats knows they fall off when you bend over.  They get knocked off by cooler doorways, thermal curtains, over hanging hood vents and smart ass chefs like myself.  I can't burn enough of these hats.  They are a joke. they always have been.  Defending their use is the same as being a brain washed drone.  At least show some style and wear a floppy chef's hat, its cool.  Paper hats?  No better reason to save a tree in my electronic book.  Also, if you are wearing a paper hat, and fold it so its creased in the front and back.  You really have issues.  Its not aerodynamic!  Yes it is a fashion statement.   It SCREAMS you need to be dressed by your wife/ or mother before leaving the house.   Nothing says clueless more clearly than wearing a paper hat and thinking its cool or professional.  NAME another profession that wears a paper hat to show rank, status, accomplishment or even respect.  I'm waiting!  The pirate hats at the dollar store are better quality that these monuments to arrogance.  Am I going too fast?  EVEN Al Bundy does not wear a paper hat!  Nothing says professional more than when a chef or cook puts that sweat soaked filthy hat on his cutting board or work counter.  Yep, very polished.

EVEN South Siders from Chicago think its stupid.  We know how they dress.  I do, I'm a South Sider by birth & heritage.  We need to retrain chefs across the country to rebel against this ridiculous practice of garnishing their heads with a hollow roll of paper towels.  We need a grass roots movement in the culinary schools.  The old guard need their heads flushed with consomme, or their shoes filled with sour cream.  The next generation needs to think for themselves and trash this stupid head gear.  Now, if you think I am disrespecting my profession by this rant, YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM!  I am tired of us Chefs being disrespected by social - professional- peer pressure misleading us into thinking that wearing these sweat soakers is cool, visually appealing or anything else using a positive adjective.  If you want to be that true to history, get a floppy hat and starch it.  Then, at least you are true to the heritage of the hat.  You will still look like a dope, but so does anyone wearing liderhosen.  So who can throw stones at that point?  Wait a minute, I CAN!  And those tall hats make a great target.  I have an accurate, well oiled arm, and am equally deadly with tomatoes or a Frisbee.  So remember, if you are wearing a tall paper hat, and you hear an impact and it goes sailing across the kitchen onto the grill weighed down by a russet potato, and hear  "Get married so someone can dress you before you leave the house you numbnutz!"  it may be me or one of my newly sworn in cooking commandos.
So, learned behavior comes from repetition.  I say, lets begin with the closet paper hat to you, and working your way out from there.  Burn, fry, soak, shred and otherwise demolish every last one on the planet.  Always remove the chef's head first.  Usually the chef's head is very hard and can cause collateral damage.  If you need a reason to believe a chef's head is hard, give my wife a call.   She has a list ready for you:)